Well, it is a beautiful breezy summer evening. I took a walk. I’m feeling pretty down tonight because of my debt load. I need a lot of money this week to pay bills. My check book is empty. I owe at least 10 payday loans already. I don’t know how I am going to make it through the rest of the month.
But, that is not what I wanted to write about. Like I said, I was walking around outside in the beautiful evening setting sunlight. It was warm, but a soft breeze was blowing, keeping the bugs at bay and nipping the heat. Lovely, actually. But as I walked, and looked, I just felt an emptiness inside. This is my home, yes, but there are not really any ties to it. There are no warm fuzzy feelings attached to this place. Some happy memories, yes, but I have spent so much of my time in struggle, internal turmoil, sadness. This isn’t a happy home, and I could walk away from it and not look back. This is quite a revelation to me.
We have a nice home. Three bedrooms, three baths, two extra bonus rooms with lovely living space that we have spent many family gatherings in over the years. But all of that does not make a home. Love makes a home. Sharing, joy. My home lacks that. We have spent almost nine years here together. My children were ten and thirteen when we moved in from a much smaller home. This home gave us a lot of room to grow, and play. We did, some. But mostly we were stagnant. Stunted. Repressed. Oh I could think of many more descriptive words to describe an empty home.
Would I feel differently had I not spent most of those years struggling with debt? Yes, my debt was mounting when we moved here, in fact, debt spans my entire 23 years of marriage. But that is food for another post! I know this post may leave you wondering a lot about my life, my marriage, my relationships. Hopefully that will bring you back for more, as I do have oh so much more to tell.
Until another time then, come back soon, stay long, leave happy!