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On to Redemption?

Well, today was a good day/bad day for me. I mentioned in an earlier post that I went to my Mother-in-law and Brother-in-law about my situation when I was desperate. Well my Brother-in-law, who is a Financial Planner (funny huh?) met with me yesterday. He went over all of my finances, as ugly as they are. He asked a lot of questions and we talked a long time. We came out with an initial plan of him to loan me money to get my payday loans paid off. This is huge for me! :)

I immediately went to work contacting each payday lender and telling them to PAY IN FULL!!! on the next due date! What a joy! What a treat! It felt so good.

Now you may think that that is the end of my trouble, but no, not really. My trouble is just beginning. Now not only do these two people know my deep dark secret, but in the process of deciding how to help me, my brother-in-law talked to my other brother-in-law a little about my situation. Well he freaked on us. He was very upset that I was in debt trouble, again, and he was adamant that my husband know what is going on. Not only my husband, but my children too! And that no money should be loaned without some collateral to insure that it is paid back. He thinks we should refinance the house with one of them as the co-signer!

OMGosh!!! I’m freaking out and so scared that he is going to go to my husband with this. I immediately e-mailed him and told him that the initial money to pay off the Payday loans was all that I need and that my first Brother-in-law took care of it and to please just give me time to turn this around before saying anything to my husband! I’m so afraid because I have not heard a thing from him since. I don’t know what will happen.

Really a lot of mixed feelings here because I am so grateful and relieved to pay off all the payday loans. BUT, so SCARED!!! that the truth is going to come out. I’ve guarded this secret for so long, and now it may be blown wide open!!!! Only time will tell, check back for the answer and the rest of the story!

visit often, stay long, leave happy! Bye! ;)

Posted in Debt Management, Payday Loans, Personal Finance, Relationships.

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Lies, Fears, and The Future Unkown

I have been thinking a lot about Lies…
I’ve hinted in my previous posts that I have not been honest to my husband about our current debt situation. In fact, he has been in the dark about where we really stand. He does know that we don’t have great credit due to our debt settlements four years ago. He does know that we don’t have a lot of extra money each month. He gets mad at me periodically over not having enough money and I do believe he is wondering a lot of times why we don’t have money. As in my previous post though, I couldn’t really say why.

But what he doesn’t know…
About the Payday Loans of course. That we ran out of money so bad this month I had to go ask for some from whomever would give me some. That our credit cards are maxed. That there are a number of loans I have taken in my name only to try to combine debt and get us through some financial crisis, but that they only added to our debt load and contributed to us being out of money more and more each month!

So here I am…
wondering just how bad of a person I really am? Why do I lie, or keep the secrets you may ask? Well, I suppose the main reason would be the driving fear factor. I’m afraid that if he knew the whole story it would bring a lot of consequences to my life that I particularly don’t want to deal with. Its a form of protection I guess. Protection from humiliation, shame, facing the truth.

I do know this…
If I told him it would be a mess. I’m thinking that our marriage would not survive. It would be up to me if it would survive because I would have to make a decision to stay and endure the blame, the condemnation, the anger, the shame, because this is all my fault, he would take no credit or share of the burden. He has already told my children that I am to blame for the situation we are already in (the situation as far as he knows it).

Funny thing…
I had perfect credit before I married him. I was single, I could buy anything I wanted or get a loan any time. He had debt. I should have seen the writing on the wall. He owed the IRS money from a botched non-profit business, plus shortly after I met him his pick-up was repossessed. I still married him though. My Dad bailed us our of the IRS debt and I worked hard paying that back. He ranched, so I brought home the money to pay our bills and living expenses. If you don’t know ranching, there is not a lot of income on a regular basis. in fact, on any basis if the markets are not good! So not to toot my own horn, but I have worked all our married life from day one to keep money coming in on a regular basis.

So back to the lies…
Are the lies wrong. Yes, definitely, but then again, at this point what would “coming clean” accomplish? He would be so angry and he does not easily forgive. He drinks some, and I could see that increasing. When he drinks he can get even meaner. He will never again trust me, or forgive me. If he does find out, can I even bear it? Yes its wrong to lie and keep him in the dark, but for my own safety right now, I must.

Thanks for stopping by, visit often, stay long, leave happy!

Posted in Debt Management, Payday Loans, Relationships.

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In a Nutshell, a Picture of My Life

Well, here is a little more information about me and my situation. Married, two kids, college age, both attending college, one has a full-ride scholarship, the other some very decent scholarships and financial aide.

My husband and I, married 23 years. Whew! Hard to believe a life-time has gone by. Our marriage, well, I would rate it as pretty bland. There is not a lot of love in it, there is very little sharing, or even friendship. My husband believes in the institution of marriage so is loyal to “marriage”, but fails miserably at the inner workings. In my book, we really don’t have much of a “marriage” really. We live in the same house, and are tied to each other by vows spoken oh so long ago. But the bond is hollow, the bindings have corroded with hurt, stress, and the almighty debt! We live together, but pretty much have separate lives.

Neither of us are big spenders…
We have only what we really need, and maybe just a little more. We have computer access and several home computers. Cell phones on a family plan with our two children. Direct TV, basic, a car for both of our children, one for each of us, and a truck. My husband does have a shop full of woodworking equipment, a sawmill, a large truck with a hydraulic arm, but nothing new. All of that equipment was purchased over five years ago. We have a nice home on seven acres with several out-buildings. We purchased it for a reasonable price of $175,000 over eight years ago. We don’t have play things like a lot of families do, like four wheelers, campers, boats, etc.

So what happened…
I seriously do not know. When I look back over my extensive records of our finances, the money just goes to pay all the bills, debt and basic living. Are we living beyond our means? Maybe, but not like a lot of other people are. We really just live quite simply. We don’t even entertain, or spend money on entertainment. We are pretty boring, stay at home people.

A few bumps we have had…
Four and a half years ago, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I fought it, and I WON! :) I have been cancer free for that amount of time. We have double coverage insurance from our jobs, so most of our medical was covered. I was off work and received disability insurance payments during the time, though our income was reduced for a period there.

Then a year ago, after having fought cancer, gotten my health back, and returned to work full-time, I was bumped out of my job and had to take a pay reduction of $900 per month, ouch!

On top of that, both my husband and I have been subject to Furlough days the last year and future years to come. So, lets see, that amounts to about another $200 to $400 per month out of our salaries! Yeah, nice huh. Anything to help the current economy recover. :(

So, as you can see, we did have some major upsets over the last several years. These have contributed greatly to our financial state. Just when I think its getting better, something new hits! Please, oh please let it stop! I am digging my way back out of this hole, day, by, day!

Till next time, visit often, stay long, leave happy!

Posted in Debt Management, Personal Finance, Relationships.

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The Cat is Out of the Bag

Well, today the Cat is out of the bag as the old saying goes. I was stressed out and at the end of my ropes. I needed money, my mortgage payment was going to bounce. I had no where to turn. I spent the day in town being turned down by one lender after another. All the while thinking about what this was doing to my credit, and feeling pretty lousy about myself and my life overall. How did I ever get to this point? I know, you are probably wondering that too. If you stick with me throughout my journey, I will tell you, but that is for another post. This post is a pity party!

Well, as I said, I was desperate, so I went to my Mother-In-Law. She has been a person I have trusted with secrets over the years. She has been my support and nurturer. I knew I could trust her and that she would want to help me. I stepped into her office and she knew right away something was wrong. I laid it all out for her. She prayed with me (which I really needed) and then we talked a long while. She suggested we bring in my brother-in-law, who is a financial planner. She called him and he did not hesitate to come. He is a strong friend of mine also besides being family. I love him dearly and felt just awful laying my burden on him. He jumped to my rescue though and wrote me a check to cover my mortgage bless his heart. We have plans to get together and talk through my finances. He is making a definite push to get my husband on board with it all. That will be the most difficult task of all, plus I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. This has been my burden and secret for the past four or five years! We went through a financial crunch about four years ago, and it did not go well. I’m really not sure we can make it through another. Maybe with my brother-in-law’s help. He offered to be there the whole way. He is a gem!

So, here I am getting things together to present my nightmare of finance to him. I am so embarrassed and it will be quite humiliating to lay it all out to someone else. I’m not entirely sure I can do it. I want to continue to lie and keep my secret! Any suggestions?

Until another day! Visit often, stay long, leave happy!

Posted in Debt Management, Payday Loans, Personal Finance.

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I Want To Run Away and Hide!

Did you ever wish that you could just start everything over? Tonight, this week, this year, I have felt like this very often! I sit with my “budget” in front of me, and I could absolutely cry! I am so far off the mark of making my finances work this month. It is so embarrassing the amount of debt that I have built and the overwhelming amount of money that I have yet to pay this month with nothing left in my checkbook! I seriously am in trouble! I do not know where to turn or what to do. I’ve exhausted all of my “lenders” and have such an insurmountable debt to pay back. My chances of making it through this month, let alone the next, are as good as winning the lottery is. I am truly at a cross-road here and have to make some big decisions.

Up until this point, my struggle has been my secret. I believe I hinted at that earlier. A dirty, ugly secret that has now grown into this overwhelming, never-ending daily battle that consumes most of my thoughts. I now am at a point where I will need to share this with someone. No, I don’t mean you. I do mean someone who can possibly help me out of this prison I have made.

I am scared, I am alone, I am in debt, and its all coming to an awful finale that does not look very good. Sorry, this is not a very great post tonight. I am hoping tomorrow will be better.

Thank you though for stopping…visit often, stay long, leave happy.

Posted in Debt Management, Personal Finance.

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My Debt Management Plan

To get out of debt, you have to have a plan. I’ve had many over the years I’ve been in debt, but instead of climbing out, my debt pile gets deeper. I’ve had some very good plans in place. The Debt Snowball, the Financial Peace University where you have a Zero Budget and pay cash for most everything you buy. Both are very good, sound debt management plans. But, to make a plan work, you have to work the plan. Plus, it is always good to have every one of your “team” players on the same page and aware of the plan. I guess you could say that is where I fail the most.

Here is the big problem, my debt, is, a, SECRET! Yes, there, it is out. I have carried the burden of debt by my self and a secret for the past four years! Do you know where it has taken me? To the poor house. My debt ratio is huge and I’m so far over my head in debt, I can not imagine getting out.

I keep a spreadsheet in excel that seems to go on and on. I know where every single penny that comes into my checkbook goes. I’ve got every expense listed. But there is no controlling it because I am at the mercy of my bills. I’ve been keeping this spreadsheet for four years. It started as my zero budget plan, and debt snowball, but quickly became a desperate attempt to keep me one step ahead of my bills and debt. My main goal each month is now to somehow pay all the bills, keeping them current, and end the month with a positive figure left in my checkbook. More challenging then you will ever know.

You are probably asking, where did all these bills come from? What are they? A number of inquiring questions. I do not have a good answer for that at this time. If you stay with me throughout my journey, I do plan on delving into my past four years to see what in the world happened! Together we will look at my terrible journey to today, where I am at my lowest point ever! I am totally paralyzed with debt. It is overwhelming and impossible to manage.

Lets just hope that this is a pivotal point for me. I have some financial burdens that will be ending in four months. Four seems to be a theme! :) Four months and I will have an influx of $1000 monthly back into my budget. The thing is, can I even make it till then, and once I get there, have I put myself in too deep for that to make much of a difference? Those are the questions I will be answering soon!

Thank you for stopping by..visit often, stay long, leave happy! Good night!

Posted in Debt Management, Personal Finance.

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A Word or Two about Prosper.com

Have you heard of Peer lending?  Well I personally think it is a wonderful and exciting thing!  Prosper.com is a site where you can go get a loan through a bidding process (kind of like e-bay) and the bidders are every day people like you and I.  Well let me take that back…they have money to lend!  To debt ridden people like me! (Smile)

Now back in 2007, I had some very good luck to stumble across this site.  I promptly signed up and worked up a  loan request.  I put it out for bids, and it took me a couple tries, but by gosh I got a loan.  It was the slickest thing I’d ever run across.  It was easy and it was fun.  And in the end, I ended up with money.  Here, three years later, that loan nearly paid off.  Whew, one of my minor victories in this wormhole of debt!

Now I wanted to re-loan, and Prosper allows a borrower to have two loans at a time. I put up another loan request and did not have much luck at getting bids.  I did get one investor that as interested. He contacted me personally and started asking me questions. As we talked he decided I would be a good investment.  He then schooled me at writing up a new loan bid. Then he had me join his group before I placed my bid. I then placed my bid, and he backed me and pitched my loan to his investor friends. Guess what, he is friends with some of the top lenders on Prosper! Wow was I impressed and overcome with joy that I had fallen into this crowd!  I was amazed!  They bid my loan up to fully funded in no time. They also bid down my interest.  It was an amazing process to watch when these lenders started bidding.  I got my second loan and it helped me combine a lot of my debt at that time.

If you are interested, I would love to help you do this same thing.  I am still in contact with my lenders and they are always happy to get a new borrower vested to bid on.  Just look for the link and click on it to get in the Prosper.com game.  Or better yet, reply to this post and I can contact you and get you in on the inside track!

Borrow with Prosper!

visit often, stay long, leave happy…thanks for stopping by!

Posted in Debt Management, Payday Loans, Personal Finance.

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My Home?

Well, it is a beautiful breezy summer evening.  I took a walk.  I’m feeling pretty down tonight because of my debt load.  I need a lot of money this week to pay bills.  My check book is empty.  I owe at least 10 payday loans already. I don’t know how I am going to make it through the rest of the month.

But, that is not what I wanted to write about.  Like I said, I was walking around  outside in the beautiful evening setting sunlight. It was warm, but a soft breeze was blowing, keeping the bugs at bay and nipping the heat.  Lovely, actually.  But as I walked, and looked, I just felt an emptiness inside.  This is my home, yes, but there are not really any ties to it.  There are no warm fuzzy feelings attached to this place.  Some happy memories, yes, but I have spent so much of my time in struggle, internal turmoil, sadness.  This isn’t a happy home, and I could walk away from it and not look back.  This is quite a revelation to me.

We have a nice home. Three bedrooms, three baths, two extra bonus rooms with lovely living space that we have spent many family gatherings in over the years.  But all of that does not make a home.  Love makes a home. Sharing, joy.  My home lacks that. We have spent almost nine years here together.  My children were ten and thirteen when we moved in from a much smaller home.  This home gave us a lot of room to grow, and play.  We did, some. But mostly we were stagnant.  Stunted. Repressed.  Oh I could think of many more descriptive words to describe an empty home.

Would I feel differently had I not spent most of those years struggling with debt?  Yes, my debt was mounting when we moved here, in fact, debt spans my entire 23 years of marriage.  But that is food for another post!  I know this post may leave you wondering a lot about my life, my marriage, my relationships.  Hopefully that will bring you back for more, as I do have oh so much more to tell.

Until another time then,  come back soon, stay long, leave happy!

Posted in Relationships.

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The Payday Loan Crunch

Yes, that is the root of my debt at present time, Payday Loans. Oh how evil they are. The state in which I reside allows Payday Lenders to register and operate legally. There are as many Payday Loan stores in any given city in my state as there are StarBucks, or McDonalds. It is a crying shame because they do a very thriving business at the expense of people like me, the consumer.

Here is an eye opener for anyone who has not had a Payday Loan.  You can go to one lender and get the limit in my state, a loan of $1,000.  This is a pay day loan, a draw against your next check.  Keep that in mind.  Because you can then go to the next lender three doors down, and get another max loan of $1,000!  Against that very same pay check!  Yep, that is right.  These stores have license to lend the max amount without checking your credit and on your good word alone that you can pay them back.  I’m sure you can imagine what a mess this could turn out to be.  An average consumer can pretty much get a draw way over and beyond what they actually bring home in their net pay.  Hey, it really happens too.  Sadly enough.

So, ok, you now have two $1,000 loans with terms of a finance fee averaging around $200 each, so payback due for a whopping total amount of $2,400 by next pay day.  Yikes, what a mess you are in now.  Your option, roll-over.  Yes, these companies are allowed to extend you the courtesy of paying the finance fee only, instead of paying back the loan in full.  And you can do this three times in my state.  Therefore, by re-financing these loans three times, and then paying them off on the fourth month, you would end up paying in total: $3,600!!!  Now, if that isn’t a fantastic business deal for the Payday Lenders!  And for the consumer, well, they have really taken one in the shorts!

Now, one other option you have when re-financing these loans is to pay additional money toward the principal to buy down the final pay-off.  So, say you put $300 toward the loan with the first re-finance.  $200 goes to finance fees, $100 reduces the loan.  You then owe $900 and have a reduced finance fee the next time, lets say $180.   With your next payment, you can pay $280, reduce the principal to $800 with a re-finance fee of $160.  Again, the next time, you pay $260, reducing principal to $700 and finance fee of $140. Then when your final payment is due, you owe $840 to pay it off.  With this option you end up paying a total of $3,360 for the two loans, you saved a whole $240 overall.  Whew.

I think you get the idea of how bad an idea it is to take a payday loan, or two, to get you through a financial crisis.  Its a really bad idea!  Believe me, I’m in the midst of being way over my head in Payday loans, and I don’t see and end to it in the near future at least.  I just keep plugging away, re-financing, re-loaning, getting deeper and deeper into the crunch.

I need a ladder, to climb out of this hole!

Posted in Payday Loans, Personal Finance.

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Hello world!

Hello, thanks for stopping by my new blog.  I would like to spell out my intentions for my blog, my explanation of debtorsdiary.com.  I am a debtor. I am severely in debt at this very time in my life and actually have been for as long as I remember.  I want to get out of debt.  I have just under five years until I can retire, and I vow to lift myself out of debt and be free in five years!  That is what my debtors diary will detail.  I am going to blog my way through the next five years as I climb my way out of debt.

My intentions are to gather support, build a following that will encourage, share my pains, laugh with me, cry with me.  This will be a chronological journey of my climb.  I foresee telling my story, painting the past picture of where I have come from and where I want to go.  I hope that you will be compelled to follow me along my journey.  I know that I am not alone in this climb.  There are many out there in this time of economic instability and failure that are in the same condition, and worse, than I am.  It is also my intentions to be a support to you also.

I look forward to sharing my journey, please come along for the adventure.

Posted in Personal Finance.

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